Today’s Special News…

by Linda Chamberlain

The UK government has announced sweeping measures to improve life for zoo animals. New regulations are being rushed through Parliament to ensure that all lions have a king-sized bed and zebras are to have their own stable.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, commented: ‘It’s only right that the status of the lion is finally recognised. He is the king of the jungle, after all. As for the zebra…it’s time he was treated as kindly as his domesticated cousins. No longer will he have to stay up all night grazing, competing for food in a herd; instead he will be fed two good meals a day. He will have stable walls at last!’

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Animal welfare charities have welcomed the announcement. The RSPCA said: ‘This is such good news. Our Zebras Shouldn’t Feel the Cold campaign has been a great success.’

* * *

Athlete Usain Bolt has ditched his controversial running shoes complaining they were hurting his tendons. The world’s fastest man was dismayed by the performance of the innovative metal shoes that were permanently fixed to his feet.

‘They were slowing me down,’ he told reporters. ‘It was impossible to go anywhere quietly and I couldn’t even trim my toe nails myself. Sorry, they were a great idea but my own feet were better.’Usain Bolt

Bolt had also endured a revolutionary training regime which saw him confined to what was known as a ‘focus room’. Trainers hoped isolating him from other athletes in a small room would boost his speed.

Sadly, it didn’t…

***

The Showing Journal has wowed its readers by bringing out a new audio edition. The magazine, which is steeped in tradition and is known for its mockery of barefoot horses, has introduced a handy cassette which they will post, second class, upon receipt of your subscription and upon the necessary forms being filled in correctly and in black ink. This must be done in duplicate while wearing the correct trousers. Please, no sandal lovers or long-haired readers need apply. Thank you.

* * *

Organisers of the Tevis Cup Ride in the US have removed horse-shoe logos from their website after the abysmal failure of shod riders to perform well for the third year running. The formidable, 100 miles in a day, endurance ride has attracted so many barefoot competitors that a logo change was inevitable. A spokesman for the Ride said: ‘Barefoot horses have one enormous advantage – their shoes don’t fall off!’

* * *

The European Union is considering a ban on the weedkiller glyphosate in a bid to remove harmful residues in sugary treats. The treats are hugely popular during long-winded debates at the EU’s parliament but MEPs and the Commissioners fear the poison may be spoiling their teeth. Loath to give up their Danish pastries, one of them said: ‘It’s the weedkiller, I tell you. It tastes nasty and the sugar is essential to get rid of the flavour.’

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The decision marks a U-turn for the EU…! Calls to ban the weedkiller, which campaigners have linked to serious illnesses in horses as well as humans, have been ignored.

* * *

The British Equestrian Federation says it is alarmed by the number of horse riders who are competing – facing backwards. The organisation in charge of equestrian sport in Britain says the fashion for backwards riding should end on aesthetic as well as safety grounds.

A spokesman said: ‘We went through all this with the barefoot and bitless brigade. Now we are facing a new deluge with the backwards lot. I can’t take much more of this. They slip and they bump into things…AND they look silly. Have they no feelings for the poor people who build the jumps?’

  TODAY’S BOOK NEWS – FOR ONE DAY ONLY

Special upside down editions of A Barefoot Journey and The First Vet have been made available following a surge in demand from readers in New Zealand and Australia. The popularity of the two books is thanks in part to a magazine called Natural Horse Management which advised barefoot trimmers to give one of the splendid things to each of their customers.

No animals were harmed in the production of the books which were fashioned using the special polarity of the Southern Hemisphere to enhance the reading experience for Antipodeans.

UK and US editions are not affected and are available in the usual way by pressing one of the links to Amazon that follow…

Here’s a quick summary of what they’re about. 

A Barefoot Journey is a small but perfectly formed field companion for my novel, The First Vet, inspired by the life and work of the amazing early vet, Bracy Clark – the man who exposed the harm Cover_Barefoot_3 (1)of shoeing 200 years ago! Paperback price £6.99, Kindle £2.24 –Amazon UK. Amazon US. This book has 50 excellent reviews on Amazon and a recommend from the Historical NovelCoverSociety. Here’s one of the latest reviews – ‘I work nights & this book made me miss sleep (which is sacred to me) – I could not put it down! I loved the combination of historical fact & romance novel & it is so well written. I’m going to buy the hard copy now – it deserves a place on my bookshelf & will be read again. 10 gold stars Ms Chamberlain!’

THIS SPECIAL APRIL FOOL’S DAY BLOG is brought to you by me, Linda Chamberlain. Thank you.

Government Health Warning – cigarettes and horse shoes can be harmful to health

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